Just a Simple Woman

by Jan Flecher

April 4, 1997

I have been following the threads for the last several days, and I wish to propose a new thread.

I sensed a distinction between those who are Transgendered (especially transsexual) and those who are gay. In that I sense a greater acceptance my by being a Transsexual, than another's being Gay.

I want to look at relationships within Transgendered/transsexual context. Mary Lou and I have been married for over 21 years. When we married I was in total denial of any transgendered/transsexual feelings. I had decided to "cure myself" by simply refusing to allow myself those feelings and thoughts. I attempted to do exactly what society would have asked that I do in 1975/1976, simply be the "man" I was supposed to be and grow up.

To be blunt, it simply didn't work and nature overruled nurture and I eventually transitioned and had surgery starting about three years ago. Now, the question (the rest was background) is in the relationship I have with Mary Lou. When I met Mary Lou she was a normal, heterosexual woman of 21 years of age. She did not know about my transgendered feelings when we married, nor had she any experience with either the Gay or Transsexual lifestyles (I do hate that word).

When Mary Lou and I married we were married in a protestant church, taking the traditional vows. "To have and to hold, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward, till death do us part". Or something to that effect, it has been 21 years now. . . Regardless Mary Lou and I gave those vows to each other, before God. Well the health part is the problem. Both Mary Lou and I accept that I had to change my sex because of a pre-existing physiological birth condition. In other words, I changed my sex to save my life. I had become mentally ill trying to remain a man.

I am now a female. Physically, physiologically, legally, 100% of the time, I am a woman. Legally Mary Lou and I remain married, in a legal same sex marriage. The test for this is simple. Before we could marry anyone else, we would have to obtain a divorce. But if we obtained said divorce, then under the current laws, we would not be allowed to remarry, because we are both female.

Mary Lou and I have a full, loving marriage. We are best friends, we are roommates, and we are lovers. Although in one sense this is the same relationship, continuous for 21+ years, in another sense it s an entirely new relationship. One far more modeled after a Lesbian partnership than a heterosexual marriage. We found that in able to remain in a valid relationship that we had to adjust our marriage to accommodate the changes in me. Changes, that were physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Again, the resemblance is to a Lesbian partnership, not a heterosexual marriage.

The question is, is our relationship valid? We fell in love as a heterosexual couple, we married as a heterosexual couple. I became a woman because of a medical condition that I fought for years. I changed my sex to save my life. We decided to stay together because of our love for each other, and our respect we had for the vows we took 21 years ago. We became lesbians simply because we are lesbians. two women who live together, sleep together, love each other and have sex together.

Is our relationship moral? And if it is moral, what about any other same sex couple? What makes us better than them? How can society say hat it is OK for Mary Lou and I to remain married, but not OK for us to remarry if we divorced? How can society deny others the right to marry when we are allowed to keep a marriage?

Gee. . . and you all thought that I was just going to sit here quietly and observe. . .

with love and blessings. . .

janet elizabeth

"just a simple woman, doing the work in life she is obviously here to do. . . "

text © 1997 Jan Flecher
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